What’s a mother to do?

Posted on September 15, 2008

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9-11-08 Note from teacher states that Dustin was in the bathroom slamming toilet seat down hard repeatedly. Had 5 min of recess time taken from him, then was given more time out from recess from lunch ladies because of his excessive talking. He was good after that. Note stated that I must go over the “STAR” rules w/ him and must sign and return the note to teacher the next day!

9-12-08 Note from teacher states that Dustin did better in the classroom but got in trouble during lunch by the monitor again for not sitting on his bench and not listening! He lost some time outside for it but still have 5 minutes to make up for on Monday and he will also be eating his lunch by himself on Monday because of the way he was acting.

Today is Monday 9-15-08, today Dustin has to sit by himself at lunch and will be missing some outside time for the above stated offences. I thought things were going to get better with him now that he was in school and learning but it seems like everything is suddenly going down hill. As I’m writing this I’m actually holding back tears.

This story isn’t only about my son Dustin, but it also involves my daughter Lyllith or Lylly (yes its the same as Lily but I like being unique) for short. Each day the kids come home they bring me their folders which has all their school work in it and any notes the teacher may have for me. I know that 80% of the time, I’ll find something in Dustin’s folder. He is in Kindergarten and I know he is adjusting to school so I kind of take half of this with a grain of salt. I understand it will take time for him to adjust even with his O.D.D.

Now Lyllith is in 1st grade. She is talkative and loves to socialize. She is a social butterfly and everyone knows it. Each week with her, her teacher sends home a weekly “grade” for the week. Basically it says she is respectful of others, listens to directions and stuff like that. The first one she got was last week. Apparently my little Lylly talks too much and does not follow directions. She also needs help with writing. She is writing in all capital letters and needs to practice her lower case letters. Tonight we will be working on lower case letters for a little bit. I’ll do a few each day till she understands them then go on to a new group of letters. I don’t want to throw too much at her at once!

Now onto a little bit of family history. I have 3 children. Erika is my oldest as I’ve stated in my blog before. She is the product of my first and only marriage as of yet. Her fathers name is David and we have no other children together. We split up when Erika was about 2 – 3 years old. She is now 9 going on 10 in November. There is no family history of mental illness or anything else that would lead me to believe that there would be a problem with her now or in the future. The second child is Lyllith. She is 6 going on 7 in January. And finally my last child is Dustin who is 5 (he just turned 5 at the end of August). These two are the product of a very disfunctional relationship that lasted from about the end of 2002 till June of 2007. I’m not going to get too deep into all the problems but there are a few key factors that I want to point out. These two have a father that was heavily into drugs (heroin, pot, coke, etc). They also saw a lot of fighting and stuff go on between the two of us. Their father also was diagnosed while in the army (as far as I know from what he has told me, that was when he was diagnosed) as being bi-polar. Now from what I lived through with him, I’m pretty sure their were other things but I can not prove that because I don’t believe he was ever properly diagnosed by a professional when he was younger.

My fear is that I have brought these two children into the world out of stupidity and lust (yes, i lusted after their father but this story is not about that) without even thinking about any consequences that might later on down the road show up. Did I in an indirect way cause them to act the way they act? If I did then I should live with it and stop being so bitchy about it when they come home with these letters and when they act up at home. I made my bed, now I must lay in it basically. Now granted I didn’t know about his mental conditions and drug use till after we got together but still even after one child was born maybe I should have thought long and hard about having another one with him. I love my children dearly, don’t get me wrong. They are what keeps me going at times. They are the ones that got me to pick myself up when I was down and keep going towards my goals. They are also the ones that got me to look myself in the mirror and do what I had to do to make our lives better! I just have this feeling that because I didn’t actually thing of the consequences, I’m partially to blame for how messed up they are or will become! I’m trying desperately to help them with these problems but nothing seems to be working. All I can do now is take one day at a time!

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