Holding out

Posted on October 18, 2008


I’m usually pretty good about keeping the energy level up and keeping a smile on my face (or LOL in my posts) but I suppressed so much anger, rage, frustration, etc in the past few days that last night while at @akaMonty’s online radio show I completely lost it.  I normally wouldn’t be telling any of this but I figured it was part of my life that I’m trying to document and help me so I should post it.

With the loss of my job last Friday and just general frustrations with kids and life in general I was feeling like a bit of a loser.  I hate feeling dependent on someone else, especially my boyfriend David.  That is exactly how I feel right now.  I know my online twitter friends have been a really great support to me but something last night while in chat was just getting to me.  I can’t pinpoint it but maybe it was the fact that everyone was having fun and laughing and I was in just such a shitty mood that it just enraged me!  I didn’t want to feel that way anymore or to say/type something I would regret so I just simply said BYE and hit the logout button without waiting for any responses.  I apologize for doing that.  I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything.

So after logging off last night Monty wrote to me and asked if I was okay.  I told her yes and she said “she didn’t really believe that” but in any case she sent me smooches.  GREAT… here come the water works!!!  Yes I cried for some strange reason.  I’ve been crying at random things lately like the story of the soldier that came home and surprised his daughter whom thought she was there to meet one of her grandmothers friends at the airport.  I was in TEARS!  ANYWAY….

So today, I think I just completely lost it.  I was angry at my kids for not listening but also angry at myself.  I locked myself in the bedroom, cried, and basically didn’t listen to anyone when they spoke to me.  I was a MESS!  Eventually I let David in the room and he got me under control.  That is the only reason I’m able to type this out to you now.  David is such a support to me even while dealing with his own problems.

I really do appreciate all of my online twitter friends!  They are the best and I hate the fact that I just ran out on them like that!

Posted in: friends