Dear Santa:

Posted on December 5, 2008


While scouring the Internet, I came across a great “Dear Santa, Letter generator” so I gave it a try.  Here is my final letter to that Jolly ol’ guy!

Dear Obese Trespassing Altruist,

This year, I have been a very manipulative little girl. I have compulsively pillaged, and I have rarely helped my mommy’s “special friend” with their colostomy bag. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of blank checks this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring Valium. For my daddy, please bring a new neck tie. For my little brother, please bring a subscription to Guns & Ammo. For my doggy, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh – and for my pool boy, please bring some fruit cake.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Anna Nicole Smith pajamas, and front row tickets to GWAR – plus backstage passes so I can get coked up! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.



PS: Please say Merry Christmas to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Dustin? He has been a really homicidal vivisection hobbyist all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!

So what would you write to Santa?  If you want to give this a try go to and don’t forget to send me a link when you finish so I can see all the great letters to Santa

Posted in: Funny